Is there one? Don't we run out of our emotions as time keeps beating by?
Hatred stays for long, for how long does love stay? Does it change with temporal/spatial changes? does
dx/dt disturb our lives?
I read myself everyday, I try to feel myself and I fail. I have heard of " Befriend one who hates you". I practically hate everybody, and I hate everybody more with each passing
dx/dt .
I listen to music which most intellectuals reject as noisy crap, no
sur or
raga. I listen to yesteryears' hindi commercial breakers. I accept them, I don't deny being a lesser mortal, I don't claim to be full of aesthetic sense. I live in a messy room, mostly, because I don't find a reason good enough for setting it up.
My life seems to be a psychedelic experiment of retrospection. I think, think, think and get nowhere. I know well why I hate those who I hate. The whole picture is sharp and clear in my mind. But those I love?
I can never figure out why. What makes me love at all?
I love books, purely fiction, decent storyline, and great writing styles. I also love to haunt blogs. I also, yes also, read testimonials people write for their "dear" ones. I derive selfish , evil satisfaction when I do. I look for mistakes, in grammar, spellings, unassuming and amusing. I am an unnerving critic. I hate everything poetic, especially when every twenty-something-wannabe writes about blood, love, stars, what not.
I hate screechy croony voices. I like
tabla, dholak, harmonium in my music.
I not, I beg, not a metal-head. I choose my life with care, to fail myself at every point.
I wanted to be a physicist forever. Today I am not. I also know that I cannot be, because I don't go around assuming that I am one. I don't speak of hamiltonians, leptons and fouriers for lunch dinner and toilet.
I like watching hindi cinema,I was brought up like that. I cannot relish a friday night with subtitles, I rather like my heroes dancing and crying in love.
Do I love?
I am confused.
What I liked yesterday, today seems to be the stupidest thing I ever set my eyes on. I know I cannot love. I cannot because I consider everyone below my standards for all practical and emotional purposes. False.
I cannot love because my feelings don't stay forever. They fluctuate, they hurt me. They fail me, I fail them.
I cannot slander when things leave my hands, I can just sit and watch.
As for my likes, they will not stay forever. Today you are my best friend, I am sure I will hate you tomorrow.
Goodnight!
